Battery level is low (Kelly)

What happens when the battery is empty in a device? Correct, the device will not work anymore and you will need to charge the battery again to get the device back to work.

It’s the easiest way to explain what happened to the “battery” in my body.

So often I’ve drained my inner battery almost completely only to recharge it for a few minutes …Just enough to continue the day or to continue the week … Or the month … “Ok then,” I thought to myself; “That will do.” But as with any device that works on batteries, it also went with my body. If you never charge a battery completely the battery will be broken at some point. You can no longer recharge it. Enough is enough…done is done.

The moment when it happened to me, all the negative feelings, all the stress took over and suddenly it seemed to be the only feeling to exist.All energy had disappeared, only the black non existent dark hole was left. There was nothing left to do but to listen to my body, I have  been ignoring the alarms for too long.

Me, being a perfectionist, still find it difficult to give up control and listen to my body.

At some days it’s no problem for me to take a rest because I feel my body really needs it, but other days I’m full of energy, I push myself too hard en I know in advance I will be sorry the next day.

And I thought that burn-out / bore-out was something I would never come across to.(My doctor still doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong with me because I have sings of both ).Like not…. I myself think it’s a very strange “disease”, if I may call it like that. A disease without a remedy to get better from in a matter of days.I think that’s incredibly f*cked up because I want to live, make progress, make things happen, it’s just who I am and it’s hard to ignore it.

My doctor explained it very nicely:

“You were a caterpillar creeping ever further and further. But now you sit in your cocoon and are you slowly changing. You want to come out now but you have to give yourself the time to develop into a butterfly. If you come out too soon, the butterfly can not survive. ”

With the butterfly, the doctor refers to the person you end up after all this. A person closer to herself, better listening to herself, understanding signals and just knowing better who she is, what she wants and what the future will look like for her. Many questions will then have an answer and you will get things done differently.

I admit. When I was told of her metaphor I frowned :). But when I thought about it afterwards I could only admit that there was truth in it.

At the moment, I’m still caught in the doll, even though you can already catch a glimpse of my wing.

Now it’s up to me to give this process time and not wanting to get out of my cocoon to fast.